You Have To Go On Living
by tranland
Summary: Buffy visits Sunnydale.  Post s7. Angsty-licious. Better summary inside. T for suggestive themes and mild language.


Hey! I finished watching BtVS a few nights ago and my heart almost quite literally broke when I saw Spike… you know, EX-FUCKING-PLODE, and yeah yeah I skipped to the fifth season of Angel and I get my fill of the silly, witty poltergeist… thing… that he is, ruining Angel's unlife. LOL GO SPIKE YOU DRIVE THAT BASTARD TO SUICIDE

…..

Well anyways I decided, to hell with that idea, I wonder if Buffy ever visited his grave? And so, I decided to fuck up the whole SPIKE COMES BACK WITH LE AMULET and do this instead. Extreme angst. Not sure how it'll end, even though it's a one-shot. I'm just wondering if it doesn't sound all shitty, lol. Spuffy, you come here for it. I love Spuffy. To hell with… Buffel? Anguff? lol anguff.

Oh and this is a one-shot. I /might/ continue it if you guys want.

I DO NOT OWN BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER but if I did you can sure as hell bet Spike and Buffy would be WAY MORE than fuck buddies. Forever.

~B~

Time to visit… Him.

I got out of Giles's car and walked over to… to where He was last. I took a deep, shuddering breath and a little gasp escaped my throat as my eyes burned and a tear slid down my cheek, falling into the abyss below me.

"Hey." I whispered into the cool night air, "I miss you. So much has happened in a few months. Since you…" I trailed off, unable to say any more.

"Buffy, you don't have to do this now," Giles called to me from his car, "We can go back to the hotel right now and come back when you feel better."

I held up my hand in a silent gesture for him to shut up. He decided to do what I signaled. I was determined to do this. If not for him, then for myself.

He had been haunting me since that day. Little bits and pieces of him flashed around me, no matter what state I was in. I could feel his arms wrapped around me, late at night, when I remembered our last few nights together. His voice, calling out my name or adding some witty remark, calling me 'luv' or 'pet'. He was always in my dreams, where he was alive and we were together. Sometimes the dreams I had were so real, so lifelike, that when I woke up I would look around for him, hiding in the shadows or something.

But then I would remember he was gone forever, and I would almost go catatonic until morning. But it was never as bad as the first night I had to deal with his presence being gone. That night, I couldn't stop the tears. They kept coming, and coming, and coming, and I couldn't control myself. After the tears stopped, my vast Slayer strength waning, I was pretty much a zombie for an entire two weeks, eating and drinking nothing, not talking to anyone, hardly even moving. My friends got me out of my funk, partially, by taking me to a doctor, and then Willow had to use a few spells to make me come back to reality.

Again.

Now, I don't cry. I can't. He wouldn't appreciate it. He would have laughed it off, hiding his pain from everyone.

And so that is exactly what I did. But I couldn't hide it from Him. He was always there. I figured that if I went back to what was left of Sunnydale, paid my respects, and shed a few tears, He would go away. I was hoping above all hopes it would work, because I had only one other option and that was ending it all. I couldn't live like this, a half-life. Spike was the other half, and I only came to terms and accepted that just during the few moments before I left him in the Hellmouth, burning to death from the inside and his soul practically exploding.

I should have stayed with him. God knows I wanted to. But He wouldn't have let me. He would have forced me away.

I looked back into the giant hole in the Earth, His final resting spot. If one could call it that. It was a giant hole, a blemish in the Earth's very face, and He was stuck in it. His ashes would never be able to float on the wind and out of the hole, even if the wind DID blow here any more.

That led me to idly wondering if He would let himself float everywhere with the wind, or if He could control it and let it take Him everywhere.

He would have laughed bitterly as I thought this. "What are you thinking about, luv," he would ask, "because it sure seems to bloody morbid a thought right about now." And then he might rest his hand on my shoulder and rest his head on my own.

As the imaginary version of Him did exactly this, I continued staring down at where He really died.

"So much has happened since you…" I tried again, choking up a little bit, "We're rounding up the Slayers-in-Training. Training them. We've found about five hundred of them so far… it's all so amazing." I breathed, trying to find something to tell Him. "I mean, I used to be… to be a match for you, all by myself, but we're all working on teamwork. I know I could take you down next time we sparred, easily." I said with the ghost of a smile. I hadn't been able to smile since…

"I don't know why you had to stay. You could have taken off the damn amulet and come with me. Everything is so confusing… I don't know what to do anymore. I don't like it. I don't know how I can manage to live my life without you. But the thing that hurts most, is what you told me right before I had to leave… how could you not think I meant what I said?" I began talking in a stronger voice. "You were the one who made me feel, you kept me from dying, you saved the world, and you loved me, all of me. And yet I can't say the same to you? Where's the logic in that?" I was near shouting. "I never wanted to leave your side! I would have rather died with you then leave you to die alone! Why didn't you let me stay? I would have found the right way to tell you, oh god I would have held onto you and never let go, but I didn't know what was going on… I should have stayed. Oh god, I should have stayed." I lost my fire and sank to my knees, welcoming the sharp pain as the rocks bit into my legs. Another tear slid into the deep hole that was His grave.

"I remember… I was supposed to be your third, the third Slayer you had killed. The third Slayer's blood to be on your lips and in your body. Well, you didn't get my blood, but you did manage to hurt me in one of the worst possible ways. Maybe you deserve my blood now. I think you do." I got an idea, a sick idea. But it didn't matter, I needed to feel like He was at peace, no matter what. I figured a silly pagan ritual wouldn't matter… but it wasn't frowned upon. I slid a steel knife from my boot, and I wiped my cheeks free of my tears. I took the hand that just wiped away those tears and held the knife across it.

"Buffy, we need to go soon!" Giles called, not bothering to get out of the car. Giles didn't really care about Him. He was just glad that he let us escape, by making the ultimate sacrifice.

I wondered if He still wanted my blood.

I closed my eyes. "I love you." I whispered as I let the blade bite into my palm. I clenched my hand, fighting back whimpers of pain. I was a strong girl; I could deal with pain. But not heartbreak. I held my hand out over the abyss, and unclenched it.

My blood and tears dripped into the chasm. I sighed shakily and stood up. Nothing had changed, no shift in the dimensions, no time warp to bring Him back to me. I knew nothing would happen, but a small part of me would always try and find a way for Him to come back. Even though He never would. He was dead, dusted, gone with the wind… I was stuck here, in a world not worth living in if he wasn't here, too. I remember Heaven. If I could get back there, maybe He would be waiting for me… I put the knife back in my boot and stood up. I was going to end this, once and for all. To hell with everyone else, they only cared in the slightest. If that. Xander only cared about Sunnydale because that's where Anya lies, too. I backed up a few feet, then stopped.

I would see Him soon.

I took a deep breath, and turned around and began walking to Giles's car.

Mortal lives didn't last very long, and in my line of work I would probably see him very soon, indeed.

"Good bye… for now." I whispered to Sunnydale.

"What, you come here, shed a few tears, cut yourself, and leave? Hardly a good bye, luv. I didn't get a kiss." Came a familiar voice, pouting. I didn't dare turn around. His voice… it was so real, I almost felt that if I turned around, He would be there, standing and waiting. Waiting for me.

"But… you're dead…" I breathed.

"Not anymore, luv. The Powers that Be didn't want me around that much, I guess. And, you know, a blood sacrifice was enough to bring me back, apparently. Maybe you wanted me more than they did." He chuckled. I slowly turned around, and there he stood.

"You… you can't be real…" I whispered.

"What, are you imagining me? Well don't leave, luv. I like being here. I don't want to go." He murmured.

"S-Spike…"

"In the flesh, Buffy, now come over here." He said, impatient. I took tentative steps toward him, not sure if I really did just kill myself, or if this was some kind of spell put on me, or if I was asleep, or…

He held me close, and nuzzled my hair.

"God, I missed this. I missed you, Buffy." He sighed, content. I hugged him closer to me, desperate to feel him.

"Spike, please don't leave me…" I cried, "I wouldn't be able to live if you died or left or something again. Please, please don't leave."

"I'm not going anywhere, pet." He smiled into my hair. "I'm staying, right here. I won't leave you again."

I smiled and let a happy sigh escape my lips. Time to get down to business. I pushed him away and looked into his icy-blue eyes.

"You bastard!" I shouted abruptly, the fire beginning to return to my veins.

What are you talking-" he started, confused.

"No, I'm doing the shouting!" I cut him off, louder than I had been before. "How could you do that to me? Why didn't you take off the damn amulet? Why not throw it off of you and get out of the Hellmouth with me?"

"I… I had to do it, luv… the world would have ended if I didn't stay." He said softly. I glared at him fiercely.

"Then you should have let me stay with you!" I retorted.

"No, I shouldn't have. I'm glad I didn't. You were still alive, and that made my death worth everything. I love you." He took my face in his hands and looked directly into my eyes. I shivered with the intensity of his gaze.

"But I love you, too. I wouldn't mind dying with you, if it meant I didn't have to deal with the pain of living without you." I sighed, the fire put out by his icy eyes.

"Remember when we were forced to sing because of that demon Xander summoned?" Spike began again, softly. I nodded.

"Yeah, and I remember your song about how you wanted me to stop being around you…" I told him. Spike winced, then regained his composure.

"Not what I was going for, but… remember that song you sang to the demon, about being in Hell, because you were 'expelled from heaven'?" he tried again.

I nodded furiously. "Yeah, well this place really is Hell. Without you, it's worse than Hell."

"Also not where I'm trying to go. Remember how I stopped you from exploding? I told you, 'you have to go on living, so one of us is living'. I still stand by that. I will, forever. But I would rather the both of us be alive." He explained to me. I stared at him, dumbfounded, unable to say something other than 'Spike'. I then buried my face in his chest, eyes brimming with tears.

"Oh god, Spike…" I murmured, "Oh, god…"

"Buffy… I missed you. More than I can say…" he took my face in his hands again and kissed me softly.

Oh god, I missed him.

"Spike… we're going to finish this. Later. Back in Rome, where the Slayer School is. I don't care if the girls complain, but I need you more than anything." I growled. He wrapped his arms around me tightly and kissed the top of my head.

"Don't worry, luv. We'll have all the time in the world." He purred back.

"Ohh, right. Giles. What do we do about him?" I asked. Spike grinned.

"Well, it looks like Watcher is going to have a bit of a heart attack." He chuckled darkly, raising his scarred eyebrow at me. I grinned at him and we walked hand in hand back to Giles's car.

"Giles, let's go." I said to him, trying to imitate my depressed tone of voice I had nowadays.

"Right, off we go, get in the oh dear lord!" Giles interrupted himself as he turned to look at me, only to see Spike crookedly grinning, his arm around my waist.

"I'm back!" Spike said in a mockingly spooky voice. I laughed, something I hadn't really done since Sunnydale.

"Dear lord, what… how did this happen?" Giles sputtered. I glanced at Spike, who nodded almost imperceptibly.

"I… well, I let a few tears fall into the hole… thing… and uh…" I trailed off.

"She accidentally cut herself on one of the rocks and some of the blood also fell into what is left of Sunnydale." Spike answered for me, knowing I didn't want Giles to know how over-the-edge I had been. I had almost given up, fallen off the cliff, figuratively AND literally.

But Spike had been there to catch me. He was back, and now I could do anything. Because I had Spike.

"I can't believe it." Giles stated, incredulous. "I simply can't believe it. However, Buffy knows it's you… so get in the car, Spike. We're going back to Rome."

Spike grinned and opened the door for me. I smiled back and got in, grabbing him and pulling him in after me.

He kissed me again, and now the flame I used to feel was coming back to me.

Everything was going to be okay, because Spike was finally by my side again. And finally, we had come to terms with our feelings, both of us, and we knew what we wanted.

Each other.


End file.
